My day starts off like most other normal people… I wake up in close quarters with someone I may or may not be too fond of, at the moment, depending on the relationship between you and your cell mate at that time, known here as your “Bunkie.”

I personally am very lucky because me and mine get along like a dream, but I’ve been incarcerated now for 13 years and I could tell you some stories (soon to come).

So, I wake up on a day like any other in my 8×9 cell, either on the top or bottom bunk. Most rooms here are 2 man cells. I’m on the top bunk currently, so as I’m half awake climbing down the metal ladder to get myself together, I’m being as mindful as I can, not to fall on my ass to the concrete floor.

After I gather my bearings, I brush my teeth, wash my face, fix my hair and put lotion on my face… all things I must do before I leave my room.

I throw on a pair of sweatpants, a plain white t-shirt and my fleece. Only clothing pre-approved by the MDOC can we purchase from our trust accounts with money provided from family, friends and our institutional jobs.

On this morning, like any other, I go into my locker and make myself a cup of strong coffee purchased through our prisoner commissary store. Then I’m ready to venture down stairs to see what chaos awaits us today.

I open my door and to my complete disgust, I see toilet paper wads splattered all over my door and my fellow neighbors’ doors. I instantly get pissed because I already know that this is the work of none other than the girl across the hallway from me, that I’ve dubbed the name “Buddha.” She’s a 5’10” black stud that’s always standing in her doorway half naked, only wearing a sports bra and a pair of boxers, giving anyone that walks by an eye full of her giant gut is in full force for all to behold. It’s usually the first thing I see, every time I step out of my room.

Well, long story short (the names of certain characters have been changed, but I promise that these people are 100% real) … So Buddha creeps on her main chick who’s on the other wing with my neighbor “Fake Bougie Meth Head.” Well, I found out later this day that Fake Bougie Meth Head wouldn’t talk to Buddha, so to get Bougie’s attention, she resorted to her childish ways and threw “spitballs” at her door all night. Considering the amount that were on my door and the surrounding wall, her aim blows. I got some tissue and had to peel them off my door and I threw them down the hall towards Bougie’s door, who later came and apologized for Buddha’s behavior.

I then proceeded down stairs so I could heat up my coffee in the microwave and wait for breakfast, in one of the two common rooms we’re allowed to be in together throughout the day. I choose the quiet room this morning and it was still a little dark, so everyone is still sleeping, which means quiet for a little longer. The only other person in the quiet room besides me was my friend Country…her name comes from her thick southern accent.

I said “good morning” to Country and then, this was the moment when you are supposed to say “Hi” to someone and ask how they are, and as soon as the question leaves my lips, I wish I wouldn’t have asked… she starts going off on one of her infamous rants about how they raided her unit later the night before and how they hit her room. This was all a surprise to me because I slept through all the commotion. I had no idea that this raid even took place. Country then continues to tell me that they destroyed her room, and all they confiscated from her were three dicks or “straps” that she had all done and ready for shipment to their owner.

Yes, you read my words correctly. DICKS. Country is known far and wide within the facility for her dick making skills. So me being the person I am and having no shame or filter…inquiring minds want to know what exactly are these strap-ons made of and how? Well, Country’s are made from a variety of odds and ends and depending on what you order the price goes up.

The standard strap would be made with the following … pens, ace bandages, clear kitchen plastic wrap and a few elastic bands usually cut from bra and panties, etc.

Then she also makes a slightly improved model that includes the rubber armpit rest off of crutches.

Then her absolute top of the line strap-on consists some how with pieces from a C-pap machine… I will be posting some diagrams soon… a visual to go with the story… and this was only the first half hour I was awake. You could never imagine the things that I witness on an everyday basis… but lucky for you, I will be your guide through the ins and outs of the world of a womens’ prison…and I’m telling you first hand, I could not make this shit up…Until next time… more of my Day in the Life to come.